In and Out of the Woods: February 2016

Saturday, February 13, 2016

Psalm 34

There are some amazing Psalms. It seems clear that one of the purposes the Lord had in making David's life so tumultuous was the writing of the Psalms. He knew that mankind, living for thousands of years in this fallen world, would experience a lot of pain, uncertainty, and fear. And he knew the heights of joy and happiness love would bring -- love from Him and love from each other. The Psalms give us a chance to express to the Lord what we're feeling. They put into words what our hearts, minds, and guts are speaking to us all day long.

We've been trying to read a Psalm every night when we get in bed in order to calm our fears as we turn our minds and bodies over to the Lord for the night. Last night we read Psalm 34. The title says it was written when David "changed his behavior before Abimelech, so that he drove him out, and he went away." That story is found in 1 Samuel 21:10-15. David is literally fleeing for his life from Saul who wants him dead. He ends up in Gath. Apparently Gath was no safer than Nob where he was previously so he "pretended to be insane" so they would cast him out of their land unharmed. Seems like he was pretty desperate. And in that desperation he wrote Psalm 34. I'll highlight a few of the verses with how it relates to life at the Minnaar house lately.

"I will bless the Lord at all times;
his praise shall continually be in my mouth." (v. 1)

How did David do that? At all times? Continually? He was fleeing for his life, acting like a madman. He "let his spittle run down his beard" in a desperate attempt to stay alive and yet he is blessing and praising the Lord. This has been a challenge for us. There's plenty of other Psalms with more of a "how long O Lord?" message. I'd say "how long" has been our theme of late. But this is a good challenge -- to keep my mouth in the blessing and praising business. I asked a friend recently how he was able to deal with the fear of the future and he told me prayers of thanksgiving. That was a good reminder. I don't know what tomorrow brings, but I know how the Lord has blessed me today. I took another breath as I woke up this morning, I watched my little kids play basketball, I can appreciate the chicken and rice casserole my wife made tonight and say thanks and bless the Lord.

"I sought the Lord, and he answered me
and delivered me from all my fears." (v. 4)

David writes that in the past tense. He was delivered from ALL his fears. Fear is a prevailing force in our lives right now. Donavon's issues make us afraid. We're afraid of his next "episode". How violent will it be? A few nights ago he came down in the middle of the night and stood next to our bed. Sensing someone's presence I woke up. "What's going on buddy?" "I couldn't sleep. I was imagining you guys were dead." So what does that mean? He wasn't sad or scared, he just said it matter of fact. So, we fear the nights. Are we all really safe here? We fear for his future. If things don't turn around, this trajectory is almost certainly not a good one. How far will it go? What kind of destruction is along this road? We will seek the Lord, he will answer us and deliver us. Whom have we to fear?

We're afraid about Louisa too. She's had a nasty virus this week, spiking fevers. She gets shaky and is bluer than normal. Her oxygen levels dip and her heart rate goes up to 150. She's clinging to her mom and Carissa's nerves are shot. How are we going to do this surgery? Is she going to make it? It seems like the last few families we've followed have had their worst fears for their child come true. Is she going to be one of those kids who goes right from the Fontan surgery to the transplant list? Might she end up languishing along for months in the hospital with some complication -- whether large or small. Will we bring her home and be a family again?

"This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him
and saved him out of all his troubles.
The angel of the Lord encamps
around those who fear him, and delivers them.
Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good!
Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!
Oh, fear the Lord, you his saints,
for those who fear him have no lack!" (vs. 6-9)

This poor man cried. I hadn't cried in a long time and then we were in a counseling session at church (a quick aside: counseling is a good thing. If you're in a difficult season in life, find a good Biblical counselor who can remind you of the truth. Like Carissa has said, it's like having your own tailormade sermon for an hour. We praise God for our church's commitment to Biblical counseling, thanks Pat), and I cried. I was talking about Louisa's greetings when I come home from work. You dads know what I'm talking about -- your 2 year old yells, "daddy!" like she's been waiting all day for that door to open and she comes running/stumbling to you at the door and hugs your knees. So I was talking about my fears of those greetings being numbered to only a few more and I cried. Later that day we had our family therapy for Donavon (which can be a bit comical at times) and we were playing a feelings game. I caught the feelings ball with my thumb landing on "when was the last time you cried?" "Ha! Just this morning actually." If crying was the pre-requisite for deliverance from our troubles, I think we'd all be delivered by now. How does David write this in the midst of the struggles he was facing? He must have had a greater deliverance in mind. Actually, as I write this I'm getting things thrown at me in anger (thankfully, so far they're just pillows!). Lord, I'm ready for deliverance, I'm crying out to you. I know that in Christ I have no lack. That is my hope. He is my refuge.

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit." (v. 18)

We know the Lord is near to us because our hearts are broken. You go into adoption knowing that it's risky. I knew it would be hard at best. I knew it could be devastating actually. I guess I just thought it would work out. And it might. The story isn't over yet. I just didn't imagine the magnitude. I imagined that I might be rejected as a father, but I didn't imagine that it would be such constant rejection. Even tonight he is staying close to me, but every once in a while hurls something at me. When I ask if I can help he just says that I hate him. But he doesn't want to leave the room. He wants me to pursue him it seems, but only so he can heap on the insults. It's relentless rejection. And I know most of it isn't his fault -- his brain got severely damaged by trauma and neglect. I never imagined how consuming the rejection and manipulation would be. So now we're making the choice to do something that feels for all the world like the wrong thing for a parent to do, but we feel like we need to do it for him and for the rest of the family. We're going to see if a break from our home in an intensive therapeutic boarding school will help. We struggled to find one that would accept him due to the severity of some of the issues and his age, but we finally found one that seems like a perfect fit. Our spirits are crushed, and we need the Lord to draw near. We pray He'll draw near to our son even though we'll be far away. We pray his heart will develop a longing for home. His heart is broken and his spirit crushed too. Lord, draw near to him, and have mercy on our son.

"Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
but the Lord delivers him out of them all.
He keeps all his bones;
not one of them are broken.
The Lord redeems the life of his servants;
none of those who take refuge in him
will be condemned." (v. 19, 20, 22)

So, this is our hope, that He HAS and WILL deliver us and redeem us. We have taken refuge in him. We long for our home to be a refuge for all those residing in it. It hasn't felt like a refuge for a while, but in reality it IS a refuge because we're a covenant family and this is a Christian home. We pray that ALL our children will take refuge in Him and not be condemned. We long for that more than anything else for them.

A dear friend started a GoFundMe page for us to help cover Donavon's school expenses. If you want to check it out, visit: Donavon and Louisa - GoFundMe

Last bball game this morning

Some trust in chariots, some trust in pink unicorns...

Encouragement from the Psalms

Ps. 65:4,5 - "Blessed is the one you choose and bring near; to dwell in your courts! We shall be satisfied with the goodness of your house, the holiness of your temple! By awesome deeds you answer us with righteousness, O God of our salvation, the hope of all the ends of the earth and of the farthest seas;"
Ps. 63:3,4 - "Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you. So I will bless you as long as I live; in your name I will lift up my hands."
Ps. 62:1,2 - "For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken."
Ps. 61:1-3 - "Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy."
Ps. 59:16,17 - "But I will sing of your strength; I will sing aloud of your steadfast love in the morning. For you have been to me a fortress and a refuge in the day of my distress. O my Strength, I will sing praises to you, for you, O God, are my fortress, the God who shows me steadfast love."
Ps. 57:1-3 - "Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me, for in you my soul takes refuge; in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge, until the storms of destruction pass by. I cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills his purpose for me. He will send from heaven and save me; he will put to shame him who tramples on me. God will send his steadfast love and his faithfulness!"
Ps. 56:8,9 - "You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book? Then my enemies will turn back in the day when I call. This I know, that God is for me."
Ps. 56:3,4 - "When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?"
Ps. 55:22 - "Cast your burden on the LORD, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved."
Ps. 52:8,9 - "But I am like a green olive tree in the house of God. I trust in the steadfast love of God forever and ever. I will thank you forever, because you have done it. I will wait for your name, for it is good, in the presence of the godly.
Ps. 51:8-10 - "Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones that you have broken rejoice. Hide your face from my sins, and blot our all my iniquities. Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renrew a right spirit within me."
Ps. 50:10,11 - "For every beast of the forest is mine, the cattle on a thousand hills. I know all the birds of the hills, and all that moves in the field is mine."
Ps. 46:10,11 - "Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth! The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress."
Ps. 46:1,2 - "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea."
Ps. 43:3 - "Send out your light and your truth; let them lead me; let them bring me to your holy hill and to your dwelling!"
Ps. 42:11 - "Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God."
Ps. 40:11 - "As for you, O LORD, you will not restrain your mercy from me; your steadfast love and your faithfulness will ever preserve me!"
Ps. 37:39 - "The salvation of the righteous is from the LORD; he is their stronghold in the time of trouble."
Ps. 37:3,4 - "Trust in the LORD, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart."
Ps. 36:7 - "How precious is your steadfast love, O God! The children of mankind take refuge in the shadow of your wings."
Ps. 34:8-10 - "Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him! Oh, fear the LORD, you his saints, for those who fear him have no lack! The young lions suffer want and hunger; but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing."
Ps. 33:20-22 - "Our soul waits for the LORD; he is our help and our shield. For our heart is glad in him, because we trust in his holy name. Let your steadfast love, O LORD, be upon us, even as we hope in you."
Ps. 33: 18,19 - "Behold, the eye of the LORD is on those who fear him, on those who hope in his steadfast love, that he may deliver their soul from death and keep them alive in famine."
Ps. 32:6,7 - "Therefore let everyone who is godly offer prayer to you at a time when you may be found; surely in the rush of great waters, they shall not reach him. You are a hiding place for me; you preserve me from trouble; you surround me with shouts of deliverance."
Ps. 31:3,5 - "For you are my rock and my fortress; and for your name's sake you lead me and guide me; Into your hand I commit my spirit; you have redeemed me, O LORD, faithful God."
Ps. 30:5 - "For his anger is but for a moment, and his favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning."
Ps. 28:6,7 - "Blessed be the LORD! for he has heard the voice of my pleas for mercy. The LORD is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exalts, and with my song I give thanks to him."
Ps. 27:13,14 - "I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living! Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!"
Ps. 20:7,8 - "Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God. They collapse and fall, but we rise and stand upright."
Ps. 18:35,36 - "You have given me the shield of your salvation, and your right hand supported me, and your gentleness made me great. You gave a wide place for my steps under me, and my feet did not slip."
Ps. 18:30 - "This God -- his way is perfect, the word of the LORD proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him."
Ps. 16:11 - "You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore."
Ps. 16:5,6 - "The LORD is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance."
Ps. 4:8 - "In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety."
Ps. 3:3-5 - "But you, O LORD, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head. I cried aloud to the LORD, and he answered me from his holy hill. I lay down and slept; I woke again, for the LORD sustained me."
Ps. 1:1,2 - "Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is on the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night."