This was such an amazing trip for refreshment and encouragement. We feel so blessed by the Lord and by the amazing friends and family that helped us watch all 6 kids to make this trip possible. The conference was so well done and organized, with many many wonderful speakers. The worship was great, Nick and I had a wonderful time together, and we had so much fun visiting with the Raders and then a surprise blessing seeing Angie and her husband Steve and laughing and crying together over stories of where God has brought us in the past few years. He has not withheld any good thing from us...
These are the notes from the conference that I typed up on the way home so we wouldn't forget.
General Sessions
Jedd Medefind, President of Christian Alliance for Orphans
We come here because we have been rescued, adopted, set in God’s family.
Duty, guilt, and idealism are short motivators. We can only receive orphans as ex-orphans ourselves and because of the merciful, gracious adoption of the gospel..
Over 400,000 kids in U.S. foster care system. 114,000 waiting to be adopted. 300,000 churches in the U.S.
Carolyn Twietmeyer, Project Hopeful
Have 14 kids total now, raising awareness on HIV/AIDS orphans
Russell Moore
John 21:15-23 – Jesus tells Peter he had freedom when he was younger. We cling to this impoverished sense of freedom, we want to direct our lives. He told him his worst fear would be realized -- he would be crucified. He had denied Jesus three times because he was afraid of that very thing. And then Jesus told him to “follow me”. The cost is to the very point of your life. When Peter asked Jesus, “what about John, will this happen to him too?” Jesus told him not to worry about that, but to follow him. We crucify our own freedom. We don’t gloss over the danger, fear, and peril of doing the hard things. We don’t say you will have a wonderful and easy life. But we have been crucifed, buried, and raised with Christ. What do we really have to fear? And at end of all this there is a table and a family and a kingdom for ex-orphans like us.
Brian Fikkert, “When Helping Hurts”
Americans tend to describe poverty in material terms. The poor tend to define poverty in emotional terms – shame is one of the biggest things. Poverty is a disruption of 4 foundational relationships – man and God, man and self, man and others, man and creation. Sin has broken them all. We all suffer from different forms of poverty. Told the story about a short-term VBS coming in to an African country with glossy hand outs and toys. All the kids had been going to an indigenous bible study, but after the VBS came and left, they wouldn’t go to the indigenous one anymore because they didn’t have the cool stuff. He had actually known short-term mission teams who wore t-shirts with “Serving the least of these” from Matthew 25:40 on it.
Luther and Rebecca Ellis
Have 11 children, 6 of them adopted mostly domestically. Very humble, had also taken in an 16 year old girl from their church that was homeless. Have anonymously funded several adoptions.
Rusty Johnson
Grew up in foster care and aged out of the system. Played the soprano sax. Said the hardest thing for foster kids is trust. The local church is obligated to take care of the fatherless, it’s not an option.
Angela Minter, Sisters for Life
Has been doing sidewalk counseling at an abortion clinic for 3 years. She had 2 abortions herself when she was young, so she knows what they are going through. Said that women need to hear from the pulpit that killing their babies is wrong and giving them up for adoption is ok. She has only had one mom in 3 years choose adoption over abortion. They always say they could never give up their child, but they can abort them. She has met tons of women that said they were born-again Christians. Had prevented a little under 300 abortions in the past 3 years out of around 9,000 in that city.
Sara Groves
There are different kinds of happy. The day I remember is the day promises were kept, not promises made. It means a lot more when promises are kept through hard things. Very cool thought in light of adoption and marriage.
Breakout Sessions
Adoption from the Inside Out (Michael and Amy Monroe, Tapestry)
Children live in the present, while adults tend to be preoccupied in the past or future. You need to be fully present with them right now. Kids can have both implicit (not cognitive of) vs. Explicit memories. What are you doing about your “buttons”… training and discipline mode vs. reaction mode. There is no adoption/foster care without loss. This is true of life in a fallen world. There is no healing without “being with”. Being there doesn’t necessarily mean being with. Give and seek forgiveness.
“Nurturing Adoption” by Deborah Gray; “Parenting is Your Highest Calling: And Eight Other Myths that Trap us in Worry and Guilt” by Leslie Leyland Fields
Reflections from Adoptive Families
Encouraging to hear some people share some similar tough experiences as ours. One lady had dealt with a freak out that lasted for 5 hours from her adopted daughter. One guy said we wouldn’t trade this even though it has been hard, we wouldn’t be who we are in Christ without this sanctification.
Attachment and Trauma II (Dr. Karyn Purvis)
Trust-Based Relational Intervention – Connecting, Empowering, Correcting Principles
Empowering Practices
Hydration, Food every 2 hours, Protein snack at bedtime, Sensory activity every 2 hours (play dough, jumping, bikes, rice bucket), LOTS of healthy touching, snuggling, hugging, laughing, playing, giggling, connecting
Connecting Principles
Attunement, Safe Touch, Undivided Attention, Eye Contact, Smiling Eyes, Playful engagement, Warmth of voice, Nurturing play
Correcting Principles
Principles and Practices, IDEAL response, Levels of Response
Most kids from hard places react with Fight, Flight, or Freeze
Fight – frustration, explosive, aggressive, resistive, acting out
Flight – distractible, clowning, redirecting, escaping behavior, easily bored
Freeze – whiny, tearful, clingy, reluctant to separate or try new things, withdrawing, hiding, saying, “I can’t”
“The Out-of-Sync Child” by Carol Kranowitz – Sensory Integration Dysfunction
Ephesians 6:4 -- … bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
Structure (this grows maturity) vs. Nurture (this grows trust)
We’re not out to make good citizens
The Hebion Principle – whatever fires together in the brain, wires together (repetitive actions teach)
Any honest feeling spoken with respect is fair game.
Ask: What is the attachment need? What is the result of trauma?
Fight/Flight/Freeze is what their early life taught them. They had to deal with everything by themselves. A lot of scared kids look angry.
Ask: How much is fair for me to ask right now based on this child’s history? How can we connect to succeed right now?
Being safe and feeling safe are different.
God is after our heart, not our behavior. The behavior follows the heart.
Pastoral Care and Adoption-Related Crises (Timothy Paul Jones, Southern Seminary)
“Loving Your Neighbor as Yourself is rooted not in ‘love’ as we feel or define love; it is rooted in the character of God and centered in the sacrifice of Jesus Christ. It is framed by the divine story-line of Creation, Fall, Redemption, and Consummation.”
- Loving Your Neighbor as Yourself When Your Neighbor Weeps for the Child Who Isn’t There-1 in 7 families struggle with infertility (30 families in a 200 family congregation).
-reproduction technology – an embryo is a neighbor, don’t do to an embryo what you wouldn’t do to your 8 year-old.
-help hopeful couples not to see their hoped-for child as the messiah
- Loving Your Neighbor When the Fall Has Distorted the Way a Child Attaches-Distorted Social Engagement Disorder: Inappropriate patterns of social interaction, including manipulative behaviors and indiscriminate affection, resulting from disturbed internal working models of relationships.
-place boundaries on physical affection (ask permission to get a hug, help them see that relationships have different levels of intimacy).
-In these tough situations, believe parents, they often feel guilt or anger.
-Can’t self-soothe or organize feelings.
-Kids living in constant stress have increased baseline cortisol levels. When they enter a safe environment and the level begins to drop, that feels like a “emotional freefall”. Therefore, they work to increase or cause stress to get back to what they are used to.
-3 ways we change: Grace (pray for a miracle), Changed context (environment is safe and suitable for learning, can include meds), New Choices (helping the child make better choices)
-Our goal and hope is NOT normal, but God’s glory.
-Realistic expectations: this might not get better
Practical Realities of Parenting Children from Hard Places (Michael and Amy Monroe)
Most children who come into our families come from hard places. We have compassion for them, not feel sorry for them.
65-85% of many parents’ time is spent correcting with children from hard places.
Connecting should be the foundation, not correcting. Correcting never stands on its own, connect at the same time. Hebrews 12 – God disciplines those he loves (relational). Discipline is most effective in the context of connection.
Levels of Response:
1. mild behaviors – attempt to re-direct through playful engagement (tone of voice, “we don’t do that, let’s try it again!”)
2. moderate behaviors – attempt to re-direct through choice giving (“you can do it by yourself or I can help you”)
3. verbally aggressive – attempt to re-direct with time-in or think it over (you stay with them, they have been left alone to deal by themselves, we resolve things together)
4. physically aggressive – attempt to re-direct through interruption of aggression
*** Use the least amount of force necessary to get back on track (don’t shoot a gnat with an elephant gun).
Strategies that help connect while correcting:
Giving them a voice, playful engagement, setting our children up to succeed, choices, compromises (negotiate how to appropriately ask for their needs), re-do’s, time-ins, IDEAL response
-they can’t think clearly when they aren’t regulated (mind goes blank)
IDEAL
-Immediate, Direct, Efficient (after 12 words our kids shut down), Action-based, Leveled at the behavior
*video on powered to connect website
Keys to Connecting While Correcting
Compassion has no expiration date (doesn’t matter how long they’ve been with you, you are always for them and not against them), embrace the privilege of saying “yes” (why am I saying “no”, is it about me, babies first year of life is all about trust… they get roughly 100,000 yeses in their first year, our babies are usually deficient), keep the structure/nurture balance, it’s not over til it’s over (we have to be reconnected, own your stuff, seek forgiveness), and when it’s over, it’s over (we are tempted to piggyback their sins and bring shame)
Advocating as a Busy Mom
What we’re doing isn’t extraordinary, it’s being a Christian.
Saying yes means you have to say no to some things.
Becoming a Multicultural/Multiracial Family I & II
If your child has a need you can’t provide, you get help (dentist, doctor, etc.). Same thing with race issues.
“Until college, I hid behind the “veil” of my Caucasian parents. Then I had to deal with stereotypes more when they weren’t with me and people saw just me, didn’t know I had white parents.
Vital to keep the lines of communication open and safe – you can talk to me or ask me anything and have active conversations about race. (White people don’t have to talk about race, but black people have to deal with it). “Prepare them for the probably, pray for the possible.”
Don’t overemphasize the differences.
Conversation about adoption/race should be a process, not an event.
“Growing Up Black and White”
Allow your child to “grieve” their loss without taking it personally.
Refer to birth parents in a realistic yet positive light.
The Church as an Alternative to the Foster System (Dave Anderson, Lydia Home, Safe Families)
Only 10% of CPS investigations lead to child removal… bad things have to happen first. This program tries to prevent the removal. They have a 90% reunification rate. In the Illinois Safe Families program they had 1000 placements out of 6000 total DHS placements in 2010. DHS will give them a family to call. He met with Mayor Daly who had him meet with the head of State Foster Care who said this was the best idea he had ever heard, but he didn’t think it would work. Trying to prove him wrong. It is a church-based network ministry. A church would have “safe families” and “family friends” that support the families.
Francie and Maizy just gave each other very heartfelt goodbyes because they were both leaving for college. Francie is going to the White College and Maizy is going to the Pink College. They were almost crying as they said they would see each other in a year, but then cheered right up when they decided to forgo college for now, stay with their baby and go out to lunch instead! Much better choice.
