Home pictures

So, you've already read Carissa's emotional explanation of our transition home.  Here's mine in photos.

Well, I guess I just have one thing to add before the pictures...

It was at 19 weeks gestation that Carissa and I went in to Dr. Schoenmaker's office for our routine 20 week OB ultrasound.  You always have that small fear that they're going to find something bad on those things, but really we were mostly excited to find out the gender of our baby.  We were both sort of torn.  We wanted a boy because we still had lots of boy clothes around and were just used to boys.  I had this idea that the boy being the baby in a family usually goes better than if a girl is the baby of the family (there isn't much logic to that, but it was in my head that way).  Not to mention 4 weddings in the budget seemed worse than 3!  But, we also wanted a girl since we've been not a small bit overwhelmed and irritated with toddler boy issues lately.  So, we were really ready and excited for anything.  The tech told us it was a girl and my mind started whirring into the future -- picturing a cute little face, the hair braids and ribbons, the dresses and tights, gentlemen callers, walking her down the aisle... the usual girl stuff.  Then Dr. Schoenmaker came in.  There was the usual congratulations and the, "She looks great!"  Then came the "but".  "But, there is this funny bright spot here in the heart -- an echogenic focus.  Nine times out of ten it doesn't mean anything, but I'm also a little bit concerned with the size of the left ventricle.  I'm hoping it won't be a big deal, but let's set you up with a better fetal echocardiogram just to be sure.  It is the heart and we don't want any surprises at the delivery."

We left reassured.  Probably nothing.  When you run tests like this, you're bound to find small "abnormal" but insignificant things.  Echogenic focus.  I resisted the urge to do a little research.  I did after a couple days.  Of course you discover everything from normal variant to catastrophic heart disease and the sign of potentially life threatening chromosomal abnormality.  I quickly shut down my research and just decided to wait for better information.  About 3 weeks later we got that information at our first of many fetal echos.  We came home with our pamphlets on HLHS.  The clouds descended over the home and we began our 4 month worry and anticipation of all that we just went through.

We had no idea.  Well, we had an idea.  The doctors at U of M prepared us as well as they could -- but you could just tell they were holding something back.  You sensed that it actually might be worse than they were letting on.  They would give it to us in layers and each layer added more intensity, more fear, more worry, more mystery.  But, no fault of theirs, you just can't prepare someone for something like this.  There aren't really words.  You just have to get thrown in and see how you all come out at the other end.

I'm probably re-hashing old ideas that we've already written about.  Someday, I'll go back and re-read all the previous posts.  My main thought I'm driving at is that we are finally on the other side of the Norwood surgery hospital stay, which is usually the worst part.  We had a lot of fear about how this little girl would come into this world.  One of our biggest fears was whether we'd ever bring her home.  Home.  Here, in this place.  With these people that we've loved and nurtured along as best we can.  Noah turns 13 next week.  He's such a great guy and becoming a man before our eyes.  He gave us a run for our money from ages 1.5 to 4.5 (that was a rough 3 years for us at the time -- we figured we were the worst parents on the planet given his behavior).  But, he has so much he can teach Louisa.  If only the Lord would give her many years to be loved by him.  Natalie is also becoming such a wonderful young woman.  She is creative and labored for months crocheting that amazing blanket for Louisa.  The blanket that her mom wouldn't let go of for the 4 days and nights Louisa was on ECMO.  Would we really have to bring that blanket back to Natti without the baby she made it for?  And Francesca.  You can see her young motherly instincts developing (she asks to hold her more than anyone else in the family!).  She would say every night before Louisa was born that she just couldn't wait to hold Louisa.  Would she ever hold her in her arms?  Donavon has been challenging.  His attachment issues have been difficult.  One of the reasons Carissa talked me into having another baby was to "hem the boys in".  We thought it would be good for them to experience the joy of bringing a new member into our family.  Would they not know that joy?  Maizy has never experienced her mommy growing a new baby and welcoming a sister into the fold.  She wouldn't go to bed at night without kissing Carissa's tummy and saying, "Goodnight Louisa!"  Would she not get to kiss Louisa's little head before bed?  And Kelvin.  Hmm, 3 year old boys are a challenge.  Would a baby sister soften his edges?  And Louisa.  What an amazing opportunity for our family to watch the Lord work miracles in our midst.  Would He do that for us?  He's under no obligation.  We don't deserve the miracle.  It would be because He is a loving Father and that He loves to give good gifts and answer our prayers.  And would He use this as a thing all nine of us would look back on and say, "It doesn't always seem like the Lord is faithful.  The world is a scary place and there are lots of messes.  Even in this family, we've made a lot of messes and disappointed each other.  BUT, He is faithful.  Look at our dear daughter Louisa.  Look at your dear sister Louisa.  She isn't perfect, and never will be, but here she is in our arms, in our home, in our lives.  He is faithful."

We still don't know how long Louisa will be with us.  But, today she turned one month old and right now Francie is holding her tight on the couch.  We've learned a lot this month.  It was hard.  But I wouldn't trade it for anything else.  It's definitely worth it.  That last picture at the bottom of all seven sums it up for me.  They don't look their best, they're a little worn from the battle (and you didn't hear us saying, "Kelvin, sit still; Maizy, smile; Donavon, no gang signs" in order to get that shot).  But there's all seven of them together on our stained IKEA couch.  A pain in the butt, each of them in their own ways.  But a gift, each one of them in so many ways.  I love you guys.    

Louisa's last few hours in the hospital while mom and dad pack up!

Heading out!  Do we look panicked?  We are!

Ahh, the car seat!  This was my prayer ever since that awful day after surgery -- that she'd get back in our arms (check), in her car seat (check), and in our home (check -- see below).  

First feed at home!  We already goofed and were about 40 minutes late with the feeding.  She seemed ok with it.

Here's our mini C.S. Mott Children's Hospital at home.  The doctor here is world famous and the nurse is amazing!

Meds!  Do you think we stock-piled enough syringes?  Thanks nurses!

And here they are!  All seven on our own couch!  If you think we have time to bathe them and help them get dressed, you're wrong.  Most of them have been in their jammies since Tuesday.