Louisa's mummy costume

We are not superstitious people, but you'll find folks involved in health care tend to be a superstitious bunch.  I don't know how many times I've seen people "knock on wood".  Most people knock on their own head which shows you that not only are they superstitious, they're also "funny".  Except so many people do it around here that it isn't all that funny.  Some people will travel clear across the room in order to "knock wood".  It usually goes something like, "Louisa is doing great!  At this rate, we're probably looking at going home early to mid-week.  KNOCK ON WOOD!"

This stuff gets in your head.  You get tempted to think that way.  Maybe Louisa struggled to get off the vent because we forgot to knock wood!  Carissa didn't want to leave the ICU because bad things always happen on the floor (she wasn't necessarily being superstitious about that, maybe just pointing out a historical fact).  The point I'm driving at is that almost all of us realize that we are completely out of control.  When you really stop to think about it, you realize that someone or something else must be coordinating all the details.  Why else would you qualify everything you say with wood knocking?  The superstition stuff is culturally acceptable here.  But, the reality is that knocking wood is not going to prevent something bad from happening.  Things happen because God wills them to happen.

I guess I keep coming back to this.  This morning when we woke up, we knew we were facing a tough day.  Louisa had a great Friday after surgery, but by Saturday morning, she was irritable.  She became extremely upset with back arching and episodes of screaming inconsolably.  This was so different than the baby we've known who's been all smiles and so interactive.  They did the obvious -- slow down the feeds, stop the feeds, chest xray, abdominal xray, labs.  Nothing turned up.  Everything was ok.  Then they consulted neurology and they weren't impressed it was a neurologic condition, but we went ahead with a CT of the brain and neck due to the extreme back arching and screaming.  The CT was inconclusive, but there were hints of a possible infarct (stroke) and bleed.  It just didn't all add up, so an MRI was arranged for today.

And that's what we woke up for this morning -- the MRI.  What would they find?  What if they find something?  What if they don't?  Do we even know what we want here?  So, how do you face a day like this.  I remember asking our friend Elliot Orr how he goes through his cancer treatments praying for a miracle, while at the same time staying "realistic" about it all.  He said something to the effect of, "I pray for a miracle and finish most of my prayers with, 'Not my will, but yours be done'."  He didn't say, "Oh, I just knock wood while I pray."  He acknowledges that the will of God is going to come to pass.  Be it a medical miracle, a supernatural miracle, or the ultimate miracle of healing that only comes with death for those who are in Christ.  What an amazing perspective.  That has helped us so often in this struggle of ours (he has an amazing and inspiring story that you can follow here).  "Lord, we want to go home this week, but not my will, yours be done."  On a day like today, it might be the only prayer I have left to pray.  "Lord, your will be done".  Jesus taught us to pray that way, "Our Father, who art in heaved, hallowed by thy name.  Thy kingdom come, THY WILL BE DONE..."  And Jesus showed us in Gethsemane that it's a good way to close our prayers of petition.  Lord willing.

We also read today a great devotional from Spurgeon about Elijah.  He was so despairing of his life under the tyranny of Jezebel that he asked the Lord to take his life -- to kill him.  Spurgeon points out the irony that Elijah is famous for NEVER dying -- he was taken directly to heaven via a chariot of fire.  The Lord doesn't always answer our prayers exactly as we ask, but usually He does so in order to give us something equivalent or often even better than we could ask for.  We just might have to wait some years to realize it (like Elijah had to).

So, the MRI shows that Louisa has had multiple infarcts (strokes) in her brain and has a small subdural bleed.  These are likely from surgery when blood wasn't flowing so well or could also be an embolic stroke from a blood clot that broke loose and went into her brain.  Her irritability episodes could be seizures or just an irritated brain from the recent insult.  We're waiting on a video-monitored EEG and some ultrasounds of her legs looking for blood clots.  If she's seizing, we'll likely end up back in the ICU on medicines to get it under control.  We also have to wait until tomorrow to get the final and official read from the neuroradiologist -- perhaps there is more news to come.

This is hard news.  Our baby had a stroke -- several in fact.  We've never had a baby have a stroke.  We don't know what's going to happen next.  Seizures?  For how long?  A full recovery is very possible -- infancy is a great time to have a stroke.  The brain does a great job compensating for these injuries in time.

It's easy to become superstitious in this place.  But, I'm not going to knock wood.  I'm going to simply say, "Your will be done."  That will be enough.  Today, the Lord willed that my baby would have a stroke.  He also willed that her heart would continue beating, that the air we are all breathing still had the perfect amount of oxygen in it, the earth maintained it's perfect axis to bring about a beautiful spring day.  I could go on and on.  But the point is, the Lord's will was done and therefore, my prayer was answered.

Lord, please heal my baby.  Ease her pain and discomfort.  Bring her smiling face and happy eyes back to us.  We don't want to lose her.  Give her many years enjoying the many graces you'd be sure to provide.  Get us home soon so we can be a family again.  Please dear Lord.  But not my will, Yours be done.

Here's Lou getting her EEG -- her mummy costume.  From our Psalm this morning, "I say to the LORD, You are my God; give ear to the voice of my pleas for mercy, O LORD!  O LORD, my Lord, the strength of my salvation, you have covered my head in the day of battle."  Psalm 140:6-7.